Thursday, April 24, 2008

Tony "Hvfvgpd" Zirkle: Certifiable

Everyone tends to caricature members of the other party, but every once in a while a politician comes along that is so far beyond the pale his own party wants nothing to do with him. Tony Zirkle is just such a man.

Beginning with the least repulsive fact about Zirkle, we find that our hero has recently applied to have his middle name officially changed to "Hvfvgpd," hoping to have it approved in time for the May Republican primary in Indiana's 2nd district. The article cited, from the Kokomo Tribune, sifts through Zirkle's vague allusions to what it means and arrived at Homeless vet — f — versus — gpd." I'll go further in assuming that 'gpd' stands for 'great porn dragon,' based on this quote from Zirkle's website:

The GPD (Great Porn-Dragon) is seeking so set up this country as a Broke-Barack mountain of gay pride Obama-Nation...

So, 'homeless vet f versus great porn dragon.' Hmm.

The best thing about having a name like that for Zirkle, presumably, is that it will draw attention away from him expressing his thoughts in written or verbal form, never a bonus for his campaign. Unfortunately for him, he just can't resist.

Maybe the name isn't so innocent, after all. This, for instance, seems like a veiled threat of violence:

If history cannot produce one mono-syllabic tax cut king to stick his fluking harpoon between the porn Tiamat's oeilles, then perhaps history will one day send a homeless vet [!] to attempt a confoundation of those incognoscenti who think they're wise. I'm starting to feel very strongly that a lot of very bad events are going to happen to me in the very near future for writing this. They say that fools rush to where angels fear to tread. Would that the world could produce just one punk porn dragon slayer.

In March, Zirkle suggested that renewed segregation by race in the United States should be debated. Not that he's taking sides, mind you. To wit: "Zirkle said he wasn’t saying which side of the debate he’d take but that segregation might be a way to deal with the high rate of black men in prison and out-of-wedlock births among blacks." So, really, he could go either way.

In keeping with the theme of 'arcane,' Zirkle is also a big fan of reviving the guillotine as punishment for sex offenders.

Maybe it was an attempt get his name out there. Maybe Zirkle didn't think his ideas were far enough out there. I don't know. But whatever the case, Zirkle decided drastic action must be taken in the final push before the primary. So, of course, he decided to speak at a Nazi celebration of Hitler's birthday this past Sunday. Not to worry, Zirkle assures us, he was just there to speak out about pornography. Oh, and Jews. The website has an account:

Zirkle spoke on his history as a state's attorney in Indiana, prosecuting Jewish and Zionist criminal gangs involved in trafficking prostitutes and pornography from Russia and the Zionist entity.

Not to fear, Zirkle spreads regressive hatred around equally:

So how did his comment about Jews fit in?

"Most of the male porn stars were Jewish at the beginning," Zirkle explained.

Now the male porn stars are mostly black [seems dubious], he claimed, and the women who appear in pornographic works tend to be "young, white, Christian women."

If people think he is targeting the Jews, he said, they are misinterpreting his position. He is targeting, Zirkle said, the "porn dragon" that inspires Jews to get involved in pornography.

The best line? It's no contest:

He also told WIMS radio in Michigan City that he didn't believe the event he attended included people necessarily of the Nazi mindset, pointing out the name isn't Nazi, but Nationalist Socialist Workers Party.

Wow. For someone stuck in the past, he sure doesn't know much about it: " When asked if he was a Nazi or sympathized with Nazis or white supremacists, Zirkle replied he didn't know enough about the group to either favor it or oppose it." He doesn't have time to study such trivial aspects of history. He's got a race to save.

A perusal of Zirkle's campaign page is good for some light reading. Including such thoughtful nuggets as these:

My understanding of history is that anti-porn militants are the only effective pacifists.

Militants make good pacifists. Surely.

As a side note, the first person I ever heard of in high school who had brought divorce aids [I presume from the context he means sex toys] into his marital bedroom shortly thereafter put a shot gun to himself and a suicide ring sprang up afterward in my home town. Because we abuse women's body temples with divorce aids and serial polygamists, many man now need to be drugged with viagra in order to get excited.

Sex toys cause rampant suicide and impotence. Any questions?

Like all campaigns, Zirkle promises to address the issues of great importance to Americans, such as "Health Care, Jobs, Immigration, Iraq, [So far, so good] Internet Porn, and Anti-Semitism [Oh]."

A detailed plan follows: To address health care, eliminate treatment of STDs.

Regarding immigration, Zirkle worries that whites and black are destroying themselves sexually [apparently through interracial relationships] so that "the currently more meek Latinos are inheriting the land."

On Iraq:

In 2004, I suggested we begin a gradual withdraw from Iraq starting in the north and keep the pace depending on the situation on the ground. Since then, we have done next to nothing to address the great porn dragon; therefore [sic] so too will tolerating Internet porn extend the Iraq war.

Interesting theory if nothing else. Zirkle contends, "You may disagree, but I'd like to see anyone disprove this point in a public debate." An unlikely scenario, indeed. Afterward, of course, would come the disproving of a vast, Unicorn conspiracy to unleash their leprechaun army upon the masses and forcing them to use divorce aids. Disprove that? I'd like to see you try.

Jobs. Now there's something on the minds of a large number of Americans. Strikingly, Zirkle doesn't cite immigration or free trade as the culprit for lost jobs. No, you guessed it, internet porn is to blame:

Workers' productivity is decreased when they surf Internet porn instead of producing. Accordingly, business are less profitable, have to lay off workers and taxes are raised to pay for unemployment and to replace the lost taxes from what would have otherwise been a more profitable taxable income.

As for Anti-Semitism, Zirkle lands firmly in the region 'in favor of.'

We mocked Comstock's, who died in 1915, stance against the white slave trade, and we received World War I. We did not listen to Henry Ford, who claimed that the world's foremost problem was a culture that the fascists targeted [Jews] and who culiminated their slander with an undocumented fantastic claim of cartelling 97% of all International Prostitution in their slanderous work, "The Eternal Jew," and we inherited World War II. It was observing prostitution in Vienna that caused a "shudder" to go down the Fuehrer's back. Fast forward 50,000,000 deaths.

Sprinkled throughout the front page of Zirkle's campaign website are various links to Anti-semitic and white supremacist websites, rendering his claims about not being aware of what the Nazis supported somewhat hollow to say the least.

Zirkle's actions aren't an indictment of the Republican Party. For all intents and purposes, they're incensed that he's allowed to put an 'R' after his name. Cheers, Tony Zirkle. We'll miss you.

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